Geez Banana, shut your freakin' gob

Ang akala ko kadalasan sa tricycle drivers maniac lang. Kapag kasi naka-shorts ako tapos sasakay sa back ride lahat ng ulo ng tricycle drivers na nakapila susunod sa legs ko. Shet. Hindi pala.

 

Magandang gawing short film ang buhay nila.

Naririndi na talga ako sa mundong ginagalawan ko. Sa mga taong kaylang kong pakisamahan. Nasaan na yung optimism ko? Nasaan na ako?

Where is my fucking stand in this fucking world? Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na ata kayang magpatuloy sa pagkukunwari. Matagal ko ng pinipigilan magpakita ng emosyon, magpakita ng kahinaan, magpakita ng kahit anong galaw na masasabing mali sa paningin ng ibang tao: matagal na akong hindi nagpapakatao.

Ano bang tinatakbuhan ko? Ano bang ayaw kong marinig? Siguro natatakot ako sa katotohanan, siguro takot lang talaga akong malaman na katulad lang ako ng ibang tao. Parati ko kasing gustong maging iba, maging tunay na indibidwal, pero dapat ko na din sigurong aminin na nakakapagod din pala.

Ano nanaman ba itong nalaman ko? Panibagong katotohanan na kaylangan kong tanggapin, pag-aralan, at palaguin. Napaka komplikado talaga. Bakit hindi nalang pwedeng maging iba ako sa karamihan, period. Bakit kaylangan dumating pa ako sa puntong ito? Nagtatanong, nalilito, naririndi, sumusuko.

Civilized, kaylangan magpaka civilized. Kaylangan wag ka magagalit, wag kang iiyak, wag kang masasabi ng mga salitang kalye, wag kang aarte na parang wala kang pinag-aralan: kaylang maging manhid ka lang parati.

Asan na yung boses na pinagmamalaki ko? Na akala ko nahanap ko na, yun pala ginagamit ko naman sa mga sitwasyong dapat tumahimik. Sa mga sitwasyong dapat kong gamitin ang boses ko nananahimik naman ako. Putangina, naiintindihan mo ba ako?

 

(re-blogged from www.literaturegirls.blogspot.com)

Maybe girls disguise flattery with anger. Alam mo kasi ang mga babae, katulad din naman ng mga lalake, complicated pinalaki. Siguro kaya ganun sila mag-react kasi una nilang naiisip "what is proper." For many, it's not proper to express yourself; to respond to flatteries lalo na kapag yung mga magulang nila sinsabihan sila "o wag ka muna magboboyfriend" o kaya "anak bata ka pa ha" or napapanuod nila sa TV na yung mga lalake manloloko lang yan. Sa Philippine context lang siguro applicable tong sinasabi ko.

 

Kaya ang weirdo ng mga reaksyon ng babae kasi ganun sila diniktahan ng magulang, ng society. Dapat wag ka agad magpapakita na gusto mo sila, cheap yun. Dapat wag kang malikot babae ka. Dapat wag ganito dapat ganian. Never silang sinabihan na, kung anong nasa isip nila pwede nilang sabihin. Kaya ganun ang nagiging resulta, nagagalit sila kahit deep inside natutuwa naman sila. Kunyari naiinis, kunyari nandidiri pero ginagawa din naman nila pag walang nakatingin.

 

Lahat naman tayo dinidiktahan ng dapat nating gawin. Ang pinaka madaming dikta yung gender, babae ka dapat ikaw ang liligawan. Sya yung lalake sya dapat gumawa ng paraan. Babae ka, emosyonal ka. Lalake sila syempre mas malakas sila. Babae ka kasi kaya kapag hindi ka na virgin medyo hindi maganda pero yung mga lalake ano bang mawawala sa kanila?

 

Pucha.

Kung sana dati pa ako umattend ng event... Pero hindi rin, ayos na din sigurong ngayon-ngayon lang kita napanuod baka by now ilang months na akong natotorture ng infatuation/admiration. Mahirap yun.

 

 

Tama ka, lahat nga dapat naglalabas ng sama ng loob, ng kalungkutan, ng kasiyahan, ng mga naiisip, ng mga karanasan. Yun naman ang pinaka purpose ng communication, to express. Binigyan nga tayo ng boses para magsalita, ng talento para nga naman i-express. Pero paano kung nahihiya ka? Paano kung gusto mo ngang mag express kaso may mga bagay na pumipigil sayo? Ang hirap magtagalog, nose bleed.

 

What if you have so much ideas and there are so many things you want to share but people around you do not want to listen. Or if they listen, that is with prejudice, all that will come out of your mouth will then sound nonsensical, pointless. I think I know your answer, it would be that if you want to express then be prepared for criticism. Be prepared to express some more, right? Express that anger. In a world that is full of vile people, all you need is a voice armed with a mind.

 

I live for literature. I live for writing, for expressing through letters and words and poems and short stories and essays and my blog. Since gradeschool I have always wanted to write though I know that my skills are mediocre. But yes, I would have to agree with you that there is that need to release what is inside. One can never count the diary entries I have written, my first livejournal and blogspot account. This very blog has been around for more than 5 years.

 

When I was in highschool, all I wanted to do is write for a magazine. I have all these ideas and I picture myself being an editor-in-chief of some sassy magazine. That was my biggest dream. However, when I entered College and decided to take up A.B. Literature and Literacy I found a better way to express. I found so much happiness in reading Ivan Turgenev's "First Love," in Shakespeare and Petrarch's poems, in Ophelia Dimalanta's narrative poems, in composing lyrics for songs, in writing free verse, in listening to fellow classmates, in reading Rilke, and admiring Gabriel Garcia Marquez, in reading societal problems and issues hidden in the beautiful novels of Arudhati Roy, Jhumpa Lahiri, Gish Jen. In discovering the fascinating themes of short stories by Bienvenido Santos and Haruki Murakami and Guy de Maupassant. In the power of literature to expose truths such as the Satanic Verses by Rushdie. In the power of literature to make one nauseas with love through Pablo Neruda's poems, Christopher Marlowe, Sir Walter Raleigh, Ben Jonson; to scare such as short stories of Edgar Allan Poe; to surpise such as that of Greene's; its power to stoke revolution such as Marx's and Hegel's writings; to entertain and express above all.

 

And yes like all of them,you have the ability to inspire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is really unpredictable. It can do so much, it can make one powerless.

 

You became powerless, voiceless, as if you were mute and numb. Now that she's gone, you have all these suppressed emotions inside you. Now that she's no longer present, you have all these love left inside you. She's gone but your love for her is stronger than ever. When one is alone, so much is disclosed. So much revelation when you thought you have discovered enough. Still, you are lucky. Petrarch loved Laura from afar. He wrote poems for her and watched her day and night, he even watched her on her wedding day. But then again, poets can create fictional characters in their head. Laura could or could have not existed. Still, you are lucky for those times you were able to be with her. You are lucky to have met someone so special like her that you turned into someone so special yourself. Look at you, look at your achievements, and all because of her.

Yes, I am turning into a lovesick highschool girl. I am turning this blog into a highschool journal bleeding with mushy mushy thoughts. What the hell!

 

Thank you:

1. For making me happy, without you knowing it. There is something fascinating about being happy because of someone while that someone has no idea who you are. How tragically romantic ey?

2. For making me forget this person who has humiliated me, stabbed me, lied to me, cheated, made me experience something that I would never imagine I would experience, for making me feel so small and ignorant and dumb and worthless, for treating me as if I'm an object. For making me look like a fool to my friends, to his friends, to my family even, and to myself. I thought I have no more love left inside me.

3. For loving someone else for six fucking years and thus inspiring many people, including me. Unrequited love suffered for years or requited love but the relationship was a big mistake, a total lie, a cheat? I don't know who's worse. But at least, in your suffering I found comfort.

4. For being passionate with your work, with life.

5. For your advocacies.

6. For your blog entries.

7. For reading that poem.

8. For giving me butterflies in my stomach.

9. For that sweet name that I cannot stop mentioning.

10. For existing.

Who is he to say that it is okay to express? Who is he to think that it is okay to tell everything in public? Is there a scientific reason behind his advocacies to express? Why is there a need to express?

 

No I am not confuse. No I am not mad at him. Yes I know all the answers to these questions and have told his story to my friends as if I've known him for years. Well, I met him a few weeks ago and I thought when I heard and watch him perform I would forget about the whole thing the minute I step out of the building. But no, right this very moment I am writing about him. Last night I thought about him, hours before that I mentioned his name countless times to countless people.

 

Torture, this is torture.

 

I do not know how I will express everything inside me. Should I write a short story? A poem? A song? I simply could not think of a way, the perfect way. For now, I'll pour everything here.

This person is everything I've always wanted NOT to become. His blogs are bleeding with emotions, the very thing I want to escape because I want to be more rational than emotional. I cannot say I've always been rational, of course one cannot possibly be completely detached from her emotions.

I used to be the most sensitive person, I've always been transparent, and yes emotional. However, for the past years, I've been running away from it because life can never be too painful, should never be too painful. So I've decided to remain logical despite the whirl of emotions inside me, for my eyes to remain dry though all I wanted to do was cry, for my mind to think straight though at times I wish I could release all the insanity inside it. To always be distracted from ethos.

Here he is, writing everything that I wish I would never have to deal with. Here he is reminding me that it's okay to express; to be emotional, to shout, to cry, to be in pain, to love with all your heart. Damn it, the funny thing is there is so much truth in his writings.

My MindSay blog is back! Oh sweet sweet Lord! I never thought I would be able to blog here again. 

 

Truth is, I'm in love.

Street children throughout the world are subjected to physical abuse by police or have been murdered outright, as governments treat them as a blight to be eradicated-rather than as children to be nurtured and protected. They are frequently detained arbitrarily by police simply because they are homeless, or criminally charged with vague offenses such as loitering, vagrancy, or petty theft. They are tortured or beaten by police and often held for long periods in poor conditions. Girls are sometimes sexually abused, coerced into sexual acts, or raped by police. Street children also make up a large proportion of the children who enter criminal justice systems and are committed finally to correctional institutions (prisons) that are euphemistically called schools, often without due process. Few advocates speak up for these children, and few street children have family members or concerned individuals willing and able to intervene on their behalf.

The term street children refers to children for whom the street more than their family has become their real home. It includes children who might not necessarily be homeless or without families, but who live in situations where there is no protection, supervision, or direction from responsible adults.

While street children receive national and international public attention, that attention has been focused largely on the social, economic and health problems of the children -- poverty, lack of education, AIDS, prostitution, and substance abuse. With the exception of the massive killings of street children in Brazil and Colombia, often by police, which Human Rights Watch reported in 1994, very little attention has been paid to the constant police violence and abuse from which many children suffer. This often neglected side of street children's lives has been a focus of Human Rights Watch's research and action.

The public view of street children in many countries is overwhelmingly negative. The public has often supported efforts to get these children off the street, even though they may result in police round ups, or even murder. There is an alarming tendency by some law enforcement personnel and civilians, business proprietors and their private security firms, to view street children as almost sub-human.

In several countries where we have worked, notably Brazil, Bulgaria, and Sudan, the racial, ethnic, or religious identification of street children plays a significant role in their treatment. The disturbing notion of "social-cleansing" is applied to street children even when they are not distinguished as members of a particular racial, ethnic, or religious group. Branded as "anti-social," or demonstrating "anti-social behavior," street children are viewed with suspicion and fear by many who would simply like to see street children disappear.

In Bulgaria, Guatemala, India, and Kenya, Human Rights Watch has reported that police violence against street children is pervasive, and impunity is the norm. The failure of law enforcement bodies to promptly and effectively investigate and prosecute cases of abuse against street children allows the violence to continue. Establishing police accountability is further hampered by the fact that street children often have no recourse but to complain directly to police about police abuses. The threat of police reprisals against them serves as a serious deterrent to any child coming forward to testify or make a complaint against an officer.

In Kenya, Human Rights Watch has worked with NGOs and street workers to encourage the establishment of a network for documenting and reporting police abuses against street children, and to improve children's treatment by police. Yet even in Guatemala, where the organization Casa Alianza has been particularly active in this regard and has filed approximately 300 criminal complaints on behalf of street children, only a handful have resulted in prosecutions. Clearly, even where there are advocates willing and able to assist street children in seeking justice, police accountability and an end to the abuses will not be achieved without the commitment of governments.