I entitled this entry Twitter Update because this is just an on the spot post. I seldom write on my blog like this, usually I'd write in my sketch pad first or have something planned in my mind. Anyway I just want to update this blog about what's going on with me.

        I have cleaned my car for the first time yesterday and there's so much I am not aware of. I cleaned it after jogging, with the help of my bestfriend Tracie. But the result was not that great but at least it's cleaner than it's usual self.

        I love waking up at five in the morning and picking up my bestfriend for our jogging sessions. We jog and talk and sing and it's a healthy bonding experience and then we'd eat breakfast in our house and I'd drive her home. I need to take pictures of us jogging, i mean, it's the highlight of my everyday-summer life and I need to get at least 20 photos.

                I am totally crazy over Mariah Carey's ByeBye and I've been memorizing it for days and I have this severe last song syndrome for No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. Also I'm happy that fuh-hinally Jason Castro is out of the competition, I mean I feel really bad for him whenever he performs on stage to compete with the rest of the contestants who are all great and above average. Jason Castro is a beautiful person but he's singing skills are mediocre.

        Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition Plus is just one of the shows I've been watching lately. I hate watching these crappy shows but they are so addictive. I've been watching America's Next Top Model, American Idol, Tyra Bank's Show, Parental Control, The Simple Life and many more shows including Singing Bee and Dyesebel. What is happening to me? 

       I've been jogging every 5:30 in the morning. My belly is huge and I really need to do something about it. Summer is the pigging out season so you can't blame me.

            Random thoughts are going through my mind right now. I just feel grateful and peaceful at this momement. My org problem has been resolved 2 days ago. Thanks to my mom who did all the confronting and talking for me. When willI ever face my problems alone? Are we meant to face them by ourselves? I can do a lot of things on my own except confront people and just step up to the plate. I can never speak up for myself. I just cry and let it defeat me, I feel really weak.

           So as I was saying, I have quit the organization because I really want to focus on my academics this year. I feel like I can't manage my time and balance these things, I've been in total depression for days because of this major decision.

            My summer so far has been great! I learned and saw a lot of things. Beautiful things. I danced my heart out one April night and from then on I've been dancing like mad once a week. I have this top that coincidentally shifts me to this dancing mood whenever I wear it.

              I've eaten my heart out, my tummy is almost always protuding. I've cleaned the house like an OC maniac. I think I am doing these because I somehow know that I've been deprived of time for these things because of too much school works and that after this summer vacation I may never be able to do it again for months.

              I have travelled alot. Swam to fascinating beaches and spend time with my friends and family. This summer is just amazing and it's not yet over. I've spent so much quality time with my sisters and have become more mature and understanding towards my mother and her changes. Has not relapsed from my impulsive buying and has driven more carefully. Loved the single life like I've never did before and I wish I could stay like this until I finish college.

            The very best achievement so far, I have moved on. Yes folks, I'm almost over him. I've been praying for this and it finally came true, I don't think about him when I listen to certain songs and have erased him from my mind. I'm grateful for our past and I'm not bitter anymore. I am so happy.

          My youngest sister turns 9 today, Labor Day. It was a bit fun, we celebrated in the afternoon. It was a quick celebration because we need to get back to our original house to watch American Idol and Stomp the Yard. And I don't feel comfortable with some people there.

              This past few days I've been depressed about a lot of things and I try my very best to not think about them. I really try hard to forget about it and just enjoy my vacation but I simply cannot. I think I really am manic depressive because it's something I have no control of.

          There have been bouts of crying out of nowhere. Like while I'm washing the dishes and I see something that reminds me of my father, I cry. Or when I remember something and realize how much I miss those days, I cry. When I'm about to go to sleep and suddenly I feel alone and really heartbroken because of some issues, I cry myself to sleep.

           And I just had this total nervous breakdown when the moderator of our organization called me to inform me about the grace period that was given to us by the Dean for the re-accreditation of the org. I have no idea how to apply for that because I was never introduce about the secretary's job and the documents are not with me anymore. I have been really upset and is reminded of it every 3 minutes. I think about it all day and no matter how I try to distract myself, it's there beside me. The guilt and the blaming, I feel it every minute. I am deeply concerned about this, I hate letting people down. I hate being a failure but it's just like I screw up everything no matter how hard I try. I give my all and I know I have been responsible but in the end I am still not good enough, I still screw things up. It's like I am blamed for other people's irresponsibility. I know I should not feel this way, this is wrong I am well aware of that but this is what I feel. I feel like such a big failure right now.

           I want to get over this, I am helping myself by letting lovely people surround me. I deal with it and I try to fight it. I pray all the time, I crack jokes and I talk about it so that it won't fill up and explode. And I remind myself that this is not my fault and that I have to be strong, I can do this.

       I miss everything about Dumaguete. At first I thought I'd be really happy to be with good ol civilization again but now I just miss the unpredictable weather back there. The smell of burning wood, the wooden stairs and the people. I feel like I belong there, my heart longs to be in a simple place like Pinanlayaan.

       I miss how Judy and I would wait for each other beside the door when we take turns showering or when we shower together while laughing our hearts out of disgust for the small, dark and creepy bathroom. How we'd eat every three hours, how I belt songs for my father while he plays the guitar. How my little niece Jaira would look for us, calling "Anteeee." And how my grandma, Lola Masing, would try to start a conversation by asking a question in Visaya and I'd nod my and say "opo" because I don't understand a word she's saying.

         Right now I just feel really heartbroken, I hope my father doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I'm feeling really down because he is too. Why does bad things happen? It's so hard but it's nobody's fault. It's hard to talk about it because one way or another you'll end up hurting either of your parents even though you never intend to. It's hard to open up to anyone in my family because I'm the only one who feels this way for my father. Nobody cares for him the way I do. Nobody longs for a simple provincial life. I'm not saying I'm not satisfied with my life right now, I'm well aware of how blessed I am. I'm infinitely grateful for that but there's this part of me that wants to be with my other parent and his family too. I feel like it's wrong to feel this way for them, I hope I could be with them anytime I want without giving wrong impressions to my mother.

I wish Dumaguete is an hour bus ride away... =( I really do

April 24,2008

      Grabe walang magawa dito sa bahay. Wala ng laman kundi mga tv at computers. Kahit ref wala na rin, naisipan ko sanang mag-empake nalang ng damit at gamit para sa April 25, pero wala na din pati cabinets namin. Pupunta ako sa probinsya ng Tatay ko sa Dumaguete, parang excited ako na takot kasi hindi ko naman kilala masyado mga tao dun eh, huling punta ko dun sampung taon na ang nakakaraan. Maganda dun, maraming virgin na bundok at batis pero back to basic nanaman. Wilderness here I come, again.

             Hindi ko akalaing lilipat pa kami ng bahay, malalayo na ko ng konti sa mga highschool friends ko at hindi na nila ko basta-basta madadalaw sa bahay ko pag gusto nila. Nakakamiss mag-jamming at kwentuhan to the max kasama sila. Sa bago naming subdivision, tahimik at marami pang vacant lots pero at least mahangin. Hindi katulad dito, dikit dikit mga bahay, wala ng hangin tapos ang iingay pa ng kapit bahay namin. Lalo na yung katabi naming bahay, parating nag-iinuman. Yung pasimuno, napakaliit na tao, mga 3'8 ganun pero napaka lakas naman ng boses. Kara-oke ng kara-oke, tapos hating gabi na nagtatawanan pa ng malakas.

        Simula ng ma battery empty ako sa Calatagan, hindi ko pa rin nacha-charge yung cellphone ko. Tapos hiniram ng kapatid ko yung simcard ko para kunin yung load, watdapak haha. Nakita ko tuloy madaming nagtxt sakin, mga highschool friends na gusto pumunta sa bahay kagabi kaya lang wala ako sa mood eh. Pagod pa ako. Kahit nakatulog naman ako ng mahimbing sa Calatagan ha-ha.

         Dapat ngayon nagiisip na ako ng thesis ko eh. Pero wala sobrang dami kong lakad, grabehan itong summer na ito. Siguro sabi sa horoscope ko "Maglalakbay ka ng maglalakbay ngayong bakasyon.." Or something like that. Ano kayang mangyayari sakin sa Dumaguete. Ang tanga ko pa magbook ng flight ah, Tuesday kami uuwi eh coding yun ng parehong sasakyan. Kung di ba naman ano.

       Wala lang gusto ko lang magblog-blog. Hindi ko pa rin nabloblog yung trip to Cebu City ko.

                    It's my first out of town with my College buddies, though we live in different towns and going to each other's town is technically going out of town. Anyway, it was so great. We had a smooth ride, everyone was enjoying the trip. I think this will be better narrated in Tagalog.

                 Nagkakantahan kami habang nakasakay sa van kayalang iba-ibang kanta sinasabayan namin. Ito na ba ang makabagong paraan ng pagkanta? Haha, sabay sabay nga pero hindi naman parepareho, dulot ng mp3 at ipod. Tapos si Kathleen yung nagturo ng directions ang galing eh, pero kawawa rin kasi walang masyadong nagtiwala sa kaniya. Sya mismo hindi nagtiwala sa sarili niya eh, prepared to get lost ng prepared ko get lost. Tapos nakarating din kami, dala siguro ng takot ni Kathleen na hindi siya papakainin.

               Pagdating namin sa Resort, nag-tayo ng tent. Tapos kumain na ng mga ulam na dala ni Dabs, sarap sarap eh. Na-jauntis mga tummies namin. Tapos excited na sila magbeach kahit sobrang low tide, kami nila Dabbi, Kathleen at Cielo mga KJ ayaw magpa-araw. Ayun naging baggage counter nanaman kami habang sila enjoy sa pagpicture picture at pagdapa sa beach. Nangitim din naman kami kahit nasa silong. Si Cielo di malaman kung ano isusuot, una nagpalit ng bikini tas yung shirt niya na Vigan. Tapos ang init daw edi tinanggal nia pero conservative daw sya kaya nag high waist na shorts, ang panget daw edi tinry nia ung dress na binili nia sa Bora. Muka daw syang Nanay edi nagpalit nanaman hanggang bumalik din sya sa una niang suot.

                Mga 4 tinawag na namin sila kasi gusto nanaming magswimming. Di nga nila kami pinapansin nung una eh, tapos grabe sa grabehan yung pagka lowtide eh. Dumapa nalang din kami para maka experience ng konting tubig, pero saglit lang din kami kasi may nakitang Sea Snake sila Paulette at Steff. Edi umalis kaming nagtitilian.

                  Pagbalik namin nagiihaw na sila ng Angel's footlong at Tilapia. HEAVEN. Sobrang HEAVEN ng footlong. Mga eight after magshower nung ibang girls, pagkatapos ni Archie gumawa ng bonfire, nagdecide kaming maglaro ng card games na may halong SHOT or TRUTH pag natalo. Galing ni Au magsalok ng GrandMa eh. Practice muna kami nung una habang inaantay sila Mishen matapos, sobrang exciting eh. Nagkakasikuhan at tamaan ng dede sa table pero masaya pa din. Ang loser ko eh pero nung una lang kasi sobrang nagcoconcentrate ako sa pagbuo ng 2 pairs.

                   Pagdating nila Mishen ayun na sobrang saya na, daming rounds ng 1 2 3 Pass. Nakaka tense kasi si Rover kung gumalaw nakaka-alarma eh. Ha-Ha. Si Paulette bumabanat na, pero nandadaya naman sila lol. Tapos inuman, ako 3 drops lang ininom ko. Masabi lang haha.

                   Tapos inantok na ko, natulog ako saglit sa tent pero di ako makatulog ng mahimbing feeling ko kasi magmaghihiwa ng tent at re-rapin or sasaksakin ako bigla. Paranoid eh. Tapos nagising ako kasi ang pawis na ng noo at leeg ko, tibay nila Cielo at Kathleen nagbabaraha padin habang nag fa-fartathon. After ko kumain ulit at makinig sa itouch ni Kathleen natulog na ulit ako. Sila Cielo at Kathleen, wow hindi natulog. Si Clare naman hanggang hating gabi naglilinis pa din, pagdating palang namin sobrang inaasikaso na niya lahat eh.

                   6 ng umaga nagising ako, ang sarap sarap ng tulog ko weird. Ang tigas pa naman ng higaan. Walang toothbrush toothbrush eh nagsuot na agad ako ng swimsuit kasi nagsusuot na din sila. Picture picture bago mag sunrise. Mejo humigh-tide ng konti abot tuhod kaya naka gapang gapang ako sa tubig. Hay kay ganda ng Nature. Ligo nanaman tapos tulog sa van. After 30 minutes si Mishen nang-gising tamang banat ng "Goodmorning Kathleen," "Hi Nads maganda ka pa sa umaga," "Cielo your the best!" Tapos sabay alis, haha. Nagulantang kaming tatlo eh, feeling ko aalis na. Wala lang pala.

                Finally umalis na kami ng mga 10 tapos super kantahan to the max. Si Cielo natapos ata isang album ng Incubus, tapos super tulugan. Nakanga-nga pa ko. Tapos nagising na kami pagdating sa Tagaytay, stop over sa 7 eleven at bumili ng pasalubong on the way. Pineapple, Sinenggwelas at Peanuts. Yeee dumaan sa Belair kaya libre uwi ko, pagbaba ko eh halos di na ko makalakad sa bitbitin eh buti nalang may mabait na McDo staff at tinanong kung galing Tagaytay mga pinamili ko. Tapos sabi kung pwede daw niyang bilhin isa kong pinya, sabi ko pasalubong ko po kay Lola to eh. Penge nalang daw ng 2 mani, sabi ko hilaw po to eh. Ok lang daw haha, tinulungan naman niya ko magbitbit kaya binigyan ko na din sya ng isang pinya. Haha. Ano ba tong entry na to. LOL

              I've been cleaning like an OC lately and that's out of sheer boredom and because I want to stay away from computer and telly. Aside from cleaning the house everyday, I've been driving from Belair and two other houses. Our new house is almost done so we've started moving boxes full of stuff in it, and I've been driving under the scorching 1:00 heat. Just putting heavy boxes inside the car is pretty exhausting because the heat is so abnormally hot. Global warming is definitely causing this unusual heat, everybody should participate during the Earth Hour which is 8:00-9:00 in the evening when everything should be turned off.

           All these industrious act gave me a severe migraine last night. That's my second migraine this year. I drank a 500 mg pain killer that didn't even lessen the pain. My feet is a bit swollen from doing too much work, driving non-stop and my veins are throbbing from exhaustion. They all need rest but I don't like potato couching around, I can't stand making "tambay" and doing nothing for more than an hour. I want to do something productive everyday.

          My sisters are like the laziest dummies in the entire universe, my baby sister can watch the telly for 10 hours straight and now she's pretty addicted to facebook because of her Haikoo pets, one day she sat infront of the computer from 6 in the morning 'til 6 in the evening just feeding, petting and buying stuff for her cyber pets. Judy, my other sister, can do that too while my eldest sister can like text and watch for 12 hours. My grandmother can mess up a really well-cleaned, sparkling kitchen in less than 5 minutes. But that's ok because she cooks like the best Filipino delicacies I've ever tasted.

           My mother is super busy that she drops by for just an hour at most, it's a miracle she slept here last night because she has never slept here for more than month. So I am really glad that tomorrow I can break free from all these. You know I can really put stress in everything, I hate myself. Summer is supposed to be a break from stress but I can really stress myself in any situation. Guh-reat. I think I'm manic-stressive. LOL

I used to sell shake every summer vacation way back in high school. Right now, I really want a summer job but since my work experience is zero, I thought maybe finding the perfect summer job would be really hard. So why not hang that SHAKE FOR SALE sign again and earn really puny profit?