My youngest sister turns 9 today, Labor Day. It was a bit fun, we celebrated in the afternoon. It was a quick celebration because we need to get back to our original house to watch American Idol and Stomp the Yard. And I don't feel comfortable with some people there.

              This past few days I've been depressed about a lot of things and I try my very best to not think about them. I really try hard to forget about it and just enjoy my vacation but I simply cannot. I think I really am manic depressive because it's something I have no control of.

          There have been bouts of crying out of nowhere. Like while I'm washing the dishes and I see something that reminds me of my father, I cry. Or when I remember something and realize how much I miss those days, I cry. When I'm about to go to sleep and suddenly I feel alone and really heartbroken because of some issues, I cry myself to sleep.

           And I just had this total nervous breakdown when the moderator of our organization called me to inform me about the grace period that was given to us by the Dean for the re-accreditation of the org. I have no idea how to apply for that because I was never introduce about the secretary's job and the documents are not with me anymore. I have been really upset and is reminded of it every 3 minutes. I think about it all day and no matter how I try to distract myself, it's there beside me. The guilt and the blaming, I feel it every minute. I am deeply concerned about this, I hate letting people down. I hate being a failure but it's just like I screw up everything no matter how hard I try. I give my all and I know I have been responsible but in the end I am still not good enough, I still screw things up. It's like I am blamed for other people's irresponsibility. I know I should not feel this way, this is wrong I am well aware of that but this is what I feel. I feel like such a big failure right now.

           I want to get over this, I am helping myself by letting lovely people surround me. I deal with it and I try to fight it. I pray all the time, I crack jokes and I talk about it so that it won't fill up and explode. And I remind myself that this is not my fault and that I have to be strong, I can do this.