December 13,2004 Mood:For this entry I-wanna-die-right-now mood Song: Baby It's you (jojo) My Boo,

God... So many stuff happened last night. I tried to kill my self... I used this rusty blades to slice my wrist. Not actually cut my pulse, I'm too scared to die though I'm really determined to die last night. It's just my conscience that stops me and my being a chicken such a scaredy chicken. Dumb huh? No I have total of 5 cuts on my wrist... Hurts so bad. The blade won't bulged! I was just planning to make it bleed so bad and show my mother and we'll hug and I'll say sorry. Anyway I guess this is pretty confusing since I am not starting on why I attempted to kill my self. Well my mother found out about the big money that was stolen from me and I stole money from my card to pay it. She got really angry and all these harsh and rude words coming out of her mouth. It's not just because of the money I know I have changed and she started nagging about everything, just about everything that I have done wrong. From the beginning till the end of it! I wanted to kill myself to show her, I don't know to show her anything. To prove to her something but stupid as I am I don't know what it is. I wanted to kill myself to end this horrible f*cking life. I just write here most of my good stuff, I don't like to make it sound my life is such a mess and crap. She found out and I was slapped twice, punched once and pulled in my hair many times but it seems like I'm numb and can't feel the pain. I wanted to do it more and more so I'll faint and jus die. I wanted to die! We stayed in her bed nagging, me crying and look so stupid with tears all over my face and my throat not well so I can't speak clearly. With a runny nose. And all these guilt trip and everything, I wanted to just undo everything. She made it worse by saying she's gonna leave us, I haven't mentioned that to you she has been threatening and telling us that she's buying this small house where she and Jea will live so she won't have to live with us 3. But now she wanted to live with Judy because she's the good one and she's her favorite one now. It hurts so bad because before I was the favorite one. I was in her place. I was the good daughter. I was the kind and obedient one. Since she planted the idea in her mind that I am copying my dumb adopted sister I was turning into one. Even though I wasn't/ I've got to continue these tomorrow. I have to sleep early coz I'm gonna go to school early for tomorrow we have exams. YAY! Christmas party is near and I have a pretty dress... mom have not started it yet. YAY for me Hugs&Kisses*Nadz